Friday, November 4, 2011

Being Okay

It has been a terribly long time since I've updated this thing... I'm just very busy and life has not granted me with many opportunities to do things like this for at least the last six months.
Speaking of life: mine is very different than I thought it would be at them moment, and I've been thinking about how I used to think I would be preparing for some sort of study abroad at this point in time or something like that. But I'm not. I'm at home and I'm going to a community college. I've realized that there are many good things about stay home though: I get to go to my brother's football games and see my other brother march. It's much less expensive, the list gets more and more personal from there. I've also realized that it's okay to not be doing what many of the people my age are doing because I've never been one to do anything the normal way. Sure I get upset about not being at a college far from home, but then my brother sings a solo in church or I make one of my kids at Kid's Club's day, or the make mine and God reconfirms to me that this is where I'm meant to be. This is where things for me are going to fall into place.
I read all these things about people at college studying their butts off or partying it up with their friends in one form or another and like I said, I get a little sad. But that's okay because we all get a little sad over this or that sometimes.
More recently I was taken from the elementary school where I started Kid's Club at and put into a completely new school with completely different kids and rules. Basically I went from a pretty wealthy school to one of the poorest schools in the district and I'm not going to sugar coat it: I do not like it. Every day on my way to work at my new school, all I can think about are all the sweet little faces of the children at my first school. Even when I see the actual kids from my new school all I can think about is how much I miss the other kids. How much I miss my kids. God has made it blatantly obvious why I'm at this school but it doesn't hurt any less.
So what am I supposed to get out of this? I'm not sure yet, but I hope it's good because my heart is still completely broken. I know it's going to be okay, it's just hard and I just hate having to try to see the positives about all this. But what else can I do?
I come home tired and sad from work every night now. Just done with the day and with everything. I honestly believe that this is going to be one of those wounds that no amount of love from my new kids or new staff give me, can heal. Time is the only thing that will heal it and I've already gotten pretty good at taking it one day at a time. I know this is what it feels like to love somebody and have to let them go without a single say in the matter. It's funny but I would liken this to being broken up with. I hate this feeling. That's probably why I don't date... at all.
But these kids need me. They need me, they need my love, and they need my heart. The only problem is that my heart is stuck at Chandler Elementary School.
Time, could you please hurry up and make this hurt less!

That's all....